A life of regret is a life not lived and as the old song goes... "regrets, I've had a few".
As I look back upon the sadness and failure in my life, it is difficult to focus upon any one moment
that may have sent me in the wrong direction. It was a slow process I think. I seemingly had every advantage starting with
parents who loved me. Sometimes however I think that love resulted in smothering protection which delayed my growth as an
individual and had me shrinking, even as a young child, from not only people but from challenges and from the unfamiliar.
It is of course difficult to quantify childhood experiences. What makes one shy and withdrawn makes
another strong and independent.
For whatever reason, I was the shy child. I would say a loner by nature. Even as a baby I was quiet
and my parents often told me of how I was content to merely sit in my crib by myself. I've always had a fertile imagination
and as a youth I became engrossed in comic books and adventures of the mind. Fantasy was my friend.
I had real friends but I would say not in large number. I got along with everyone in school.
I was neither shunned nor thought of as popular. Somehow I walked the fence and avoided the taunts of the trendy even when,
as I often did, stood up for those who did feel their verbal wrath.
I never fit into the structure of school and I suppose that is as good a place as any to reflect
on the shaping of my existence. I found school boring. I would say I never had a teacher of sufficient quality to motivate
or encourage me. I would say I never had a mentor and for whatever reason, a mentor was exactly what I needed. The end
result of my scholastic experience was that I would never obtain an indication of who or what I wanted to be. I see the school
system as a failure and to this day believe they have failed far too many a child.
I was always one to fall between the cracks. Neither brilliant nor sufficiently struggling enough
to deserve authoratative attention and always quiet and respectful of both teachers and fellow students, I was therefore simply
left to my own devices. The end result is that I did as little as I could and managed to just slip on by year after year.
I suppose I am one of those people who could return to a grade school or high school reunion and the others would wonder who
I was.
Not that I minded being a loner. In fact I relished in it much of the time. As I look back at it
now however I realize that my penchant for solitude would ultimately be my downfall. Escapism was far too easy for me and
comics led to sports team fanatacism which led to computers which led to dvd's. There is a difference between being self-sufficient
and not needing a plethora of people in your circle to feel complete and in shutting yourself off from societal
participation.
I'm not quite sure when weight became an issue. I know it was at a very young age. My father's first
nick-name for me was "bones" because I was so thin. I was so young then that I don't remember him ever calling me that. I
do remember my brother having a weight problem at an early age and recall times where I would let him chase me, get close
to me, and then turn on the jets and easily escape his grasp. I am guessing that I was not more than 8 or 9.
Certainly by the age of 10, I was a little chubby and self-conscious enough about it to not feel
comfortable in the boys change room. By grade eight I was officially husky. I know this because the teacher
had me stand up in class so that she could define "husky" for my classmates. Adults can be so stupid.
By the time I hit high school I had lost any semblance of fitting in. My friends in the
neighborhood all went to different schools than I did which was probably not a good thing because it only encouraged my anti-social
tendancies with those in my scholastic circle.
I did play a fair bit of sports although never anything organized. Just a bunch of guys hanging out.
Of course they were always more than willing to point out my being overweight but not usually in an overly malicious manner.
The truth is I held my own on any playing field and often had to use my head to compensate for any deficiencies in speed.
There were no girlfriends while in high school. I was far too shy for that. And as others became
more and more interested in girls, I found myself more and more of a recluse. Oh, I was interested of course but completely
incapable of acting upon that interest. I did not participate in school dances or other such functions out of ... well.. out
of fear I suppose.
I don't really recall what I weighed while in highschool. I know I was fat. I remember having a 36"
waist. I remember feeling very insecure and self-conscious. It's funny how now I can look back at pictures from that time
and think... "damn, I looked good".
My first little crush came when I was 17 or 18. I met this girl named Monique at my first job (and
hers) at a local service station. We soon became the best of friends and were inseperable. Of course I could not bring myself
to tell her how I felt for years although I am sure she knew. Ultimately I did tell her and was told what I already felt...
that she was not interested and, although the words were never spoken, I knew the reason why. Who wants to date the fat kid?
I ended our friendship and still feel to this day that it was the right thing to do. In fact it was one of the better and
stronger decisions of my life. I would venture to say that she used me at times or rather, I allowed her to use me. Many friends
would take advantage of me over the years. It is an unfortunate trend in my life. Monique also stood me up for my high school
graduation. I had felt that I was always there for her and she was never there for me and that ultimately was unacceptable.
For years and years she would occassionally give me a call, always when she was in some dire circumstance, and I would again
be there for her. She would remain consistent however, and was never capable of reciprocation. During the darkest time in
my life, not long after a session where I listened to her troubles and offered my advice, I found myself knee deep in the
deepest depression of my life, reached out to her, and received a quick brush off. We've had no contact since.
My second crush was in my 20's and this time it was a little different. Rachel gave every indication
that she was interested. I however remained fearful and incapable of taking that chance and one day she returned home from
a vacation engaged. Lesson learned (or so you would think).
I had always told myself that true love would come one day. I was, and am, a romantic. I always believed
that someone would love me for who I was. I always believed that it was better to be friends first and build upon that strong
foundation. Or perhaps these were just lies I was telling myself in order to not put myself in a potentially embarassing situation.
Perhaps these were lies to take away the sting of isolation.
And then there was Jennifer. Jennifer was and is the love of my life. The one I had waited for. I
will not go into great detail on this out of respect for her but suffice to say I loved her as much as any man could love
any woman. She was my fairy tale princess. Ultimately she would reveal herself to have no respect for me but I cannot blame
her. I shall say only that I broke a very important rule to be with her and feel that I ultimately got what I deserved. My
punishment shall be that now, years later, I still think about her every single day, and I still love her with all my heart.
I suppose I always shall.
She is important to my story and it would be dishonest to not discuss her part in it. Somehow
between the end of highschool and my early 30's I would manage to reach the 300 lb limit. From early 30's to late 30's the
mid 300's and with the end of my relationship with Jennifer, depression resulted in a staggaringly quick escalation to
over 400 lbs.
