Mired in depression I spent many a night hitting the bar scene including the local strip club and
endulged in a frenzy of escalated spending. I suppose I was desperate for some kind of socialization. For someone to listen
to me. For someone to care. Of course it would not be found and I always left more depressed than when I entered. Still I
did meet some people who took the time to talk to me and I reciprocated in kind. I am not one to judge. I suppose that empathy,
for me, may well be a result of obesity. Everyone has a story. Everyone wants to be heard. We should not be so quick to condemn.
We all have our walls. We all have our escapes.
I have since wondered if I had suffered a nervous breakdown. There were times when I wept uncontrollably
while taking a shower. Times where I had to take a break from work to endulge in some private self-pity.
I have never considered suicide but the truth was, I had given up on life. Each night I went to sleep
not caring if I awoke the next day.
There were other important events in my life that added to the depression although to me they paled
in the comparison to my affair of the heart. One was a demotion at work for, in my opinion, political reasons. To me it was
just another example of being used. Another example of being taken for granted. Another example of not fitting in.
And so it was that I simply hit bottom. Broken hearted in mired in an unrewarding occupation, weighing
over 400 lbs, with an increasingly sore back and knees. I had nowhere to go but up... or 6 feet down.
So what to do?
I had never believed in diets. They do not work. Everyone knows that. I had certainly tried them
in the past though seldom being able to stick to one for more than a week, and usually not so much as 2 days.
I have no idea where I first heard the words Atkins. I suppose it was probably on tv. I
spent a lot of time watching tv. Wherever I heard it though it led to some research via the world wide web. I also researched
the various surgery alternatives. Those did not appeal to me at all. They seemed rather drastic even for someone as desperate
as me. They also seemed rather... I dunno.. final, shall we say. Okay then... Atkins it is. That would be my first attempt.
Perhaps I could look to surgery if Atkins should fail.
It was November and the thought had crossed my mind to wait until after the holidays before beginning
such an undertaking. After all there was pies and cakes and turkey and stuffing and nuts and egg nogg and endless other goodies
that would be available in abundance for tasty consumption. Why deprive myself of that? Besides... it would be too difficult
to stick to plan. And anyone I asked was saying to wait.
But I had indeed hit bottom. I was depressed enough to begin immediately. That may come across as
a fairly meaningless statement to those who have not experienced such depths but for those of you who have explored such territory,
I know you understand the desperation of my decision of immediacy. I had reasoned that I could not afford to gain another
10 lbs from holiday gluttony and that I could go off plan for a day or two and enjoy some of the food. My promise to myself
was to stick to plan for 2 months with the exception of that 1 or 2 cheat days. Two months to give this a fair chance to work.
In the back of my mind I knew that these two months would be... significant. I do not know if I would have found the strength
for another attempt had I failed those two months. I really don't.
And so it was in November of 2002 that I began my Atkins journey.
